Wow, your 46th birthday. You look fantastic, by the way. Anyway, I cannot stress this enough, I’m sorry that I and everyone else left you alone on the most important day of your year. Look at you. You’re all alone. You’re even pretending to make a phone call. And you’re sitting next to the single
saddest tiny cupcake and single saddest tiny candle I think I’ve ever seen.

Oh man, next year? NEXT YEAR, we will blow it OUT OF THE WATER. And your 50th? I don’t want to give away anything that I have planned but I’ll just say: Private island, orgy, 700 of your closest friends, parachuting, motorcycles. That’s it. That’s all I’m giving away.

So what I’m saying is that I will toooootally make this up to you. Chin up. Hope that cupcake was good. What did you wish for? Wait, don’t tell me. Bad luck. You don’t need that.