Octomom death threat leaves a mark

I’m not a fan of Nadya Suleman. The single mother of 14 has serious problems (of the financial, emotional and mental variety), but I would never wish any harm on her. Someone else does, though.

Some nut job doesn’t love Octomom’s existence and sent a death threat her way — by throwing a brick through her car window and leaving a lovely note inside. Hey, at least he or she took the time to hand-write it.

TMZ, of course, has photos from the incident. Suleman told the gossip site “she heard several strange noises outside her house early Saturday morning” but didn’t think too much of it and went back to sleep. She woke up around 9 a.m. to her neighbours at her door, where they informed Nadya her car window had been broken.

The most disturbing part was what the vandal left behind — a note that read: “Leave California or you will die.” The most surprising part? Nadya has 14 kids but can still loll in bed until 9 in the morning. That’s just messed up (both the threatening note, and her wake-up time).

People are pissed that Octomom has decided to go on welfare (something she claimed she would never do), eating up thousands of dollars a month in taxpayers’ money. I get it. It’s definitely maddening. But busting up her car isn’t going to change things. Now she has to find a way to come up with the money to fix the window — yet another hurdle she has to get over.

There is another theory floating around: that Octomom did this herself, to drum up some sympathy. Either that, or it’s being filmed for a pilot of the reality show she’s always dreamed of. That would be a win-win. She would no longer need assistance, and be a star in her own mind.

Is Kim K. losing her lustre?

Jennifer Lawrence named AskMen’s Most Desirable Woman of 2013, Kim Kardashian drops 90 (!!!) spots.

Oh. My. Gossip. The end could be near — in a completely fabulous way. I never thought I’d see the day when Kim Kardashian would follow in the washed-up, stiletto-ed footsteps of Paris Hilton but this may be the dawn of a new era.

AskMen.com released its Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2013 list and the cream of the the crop is Jennifer Lawrence (duh, because she’s totally awesome) and bottoms (well, almost) is Kardashian. Heh.

Hunger Games and Silver Linings Playbook (Have you seen it yet? If not, RUN to the theatre.) has changed everything for Jen, rocketing her up 46 spots from 2012. Her movies may have gotten her loads of attention, but what makes her so wanted is because she’s real, sarcastic and self-deprecating but still manages to convey sexiness, strength and beauty all at the same time. Damn right she’s number one. But because of it, Lawrence knocked Sofia Vergara out of the top spot and bumped her down to No. 12. Not surprisingly, Mila Kunis, Kate Upton, Rihanna and Emma Stone round out the top five, followed by Miranda Kerr, Kristen Stewart, modelJessica Gomes, Mad Men’s Jessica Paré, and dancing hurdler Michelle Jenneke.

AskMen’s ranking system is made up of editors’ picks and readers’ votes so perhaps there is hope for better, less famewhorish days. Kardashian almost fell off the list entirely, plummeting from No. 8 to No. 98 (!!!), but what’s most astonishing is that Jennifer Lopez, Megan Fox and Gisele Bundchen failed to make the cut.

I find it odd that Kim beat out J.Lo, Fox and Bundchen, but I suppose they’ve been too busy with concert tours and having babies to pimp themselves out at every opportunity. Looks like Pimp Mama Kris has dropped the ball and isn’t doing her job. There’s always 2014, Kim. (Please, AskMen.com, no.)

Bitter Hollywood ex-bodyguard threatening revenge tell-all

Ever noticed how reading between the lines of some stories ends up yielding the most telling information? That’s certainly true in the saga of Leonard Taylor, former bodyguard to Mark Wahlberg, Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis and others who is apparently about to unleash a scathing memoir accusing his former employers of desertion and poor treatment.

According to a story in the New York Daily News, Taylor, 43, “feels ‘used’ by a number of his former clients and is almost finished with a memoir… that will even the score.” Oh, dear.

“Why should I respect their privacy when they don’t care about me?” Taylor is quoted as saying before setting out a laundry of complaints.

Chief among them: with the exception of Willis, his famous former clients abandoned him when he battled drug addiction, depression and homelessness from 2004-05 and, more recently, from 2008-11 (though the story doesn’t indicate what Taylor was expecting).

Now here comes the read-between-the-lines action. Of Wahlberg, the NYDN quotes Taylor as saying he “filled my head with dreams and then kicked me to the curb. I spent three-and-a-half years [protecting him] and he didn’t pay me a dime.”

Sorry to be cynical but wouldn’t most rational working people have been out the door at the one-month mark when no payment for services rendered had materialized? The three-month mark, surely, but three years and your employer is a bazillionaire movie star?

Why would anyone continue working for someone for three years for free… unless maybe (sorry, sorry, cynicism again) they were starstruck hangers-on who maybe, just maybe, had access to illicit things otherwise not available to the average Joe? Just asking.

Taylor claims Wahlberg promised to take care of him but their relationship ended in 2001 when the two got into a headlines-making fight outside a downtown Manhattan club over what Taylor, an African-American, says was a racially insensitive remark, according to the NYDN.

As for Thurman — whom Taylor famously rescued from a stalled Manhattan elevator in 2006 where she was trapped with seven others while shooting The Accidental Husband — Taylor says she “was the nicest person in the world for 24 hours” but then “went back to being nasty and cold.”

Her attitude “just sucked the life out of me,” he says. Wow. Really? What next… she’s dead at recess?

I mean, seriously, what does this guy expect? Granted, being nice counts but given his own admitted problems with substance abuse and homelessness, it’s not a leap in logic to think Taylor might have been a wee bit volatile as an employee.

Maybe that’s the point: he thought he was more than an employee. Anyway, the NYDN says the book is “90% done,” and Taylor will shop the manuscript for a publisher upon completion, adding that the book will also delve into the shady practices and racist undertones of the nightlife scene.

And presumably, Wahlberg and Thurman will roll over and go back to sleep.

Overexposure has taught Kim a few things

Much like Jennifer Aniston, the Kardashians are often covered around these parts. Many of you yell at us for writing about the do-nothings, and believe me, I feel the same way about them as you do. But there are times when a J.Lo and Casper picture just won’t do and we need content — and the Kardashians are nothing if not givers of content.

While Khloe covers next month’s Cosmo, her sister, Kim, is the May cover girl of the U.K.’s Cosmopolitan magazine (via Radar Online), and she opens up about what her failed 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries has taught her: never to flaunt a romance in front of the cameras. Fat a** chance. That’s not going to happen if Pimp Mama Krishas anything to say about it.

“We know that we put ourselves in the public eye,” Kim explains about her family. “We love doing our reality show and it’s opened doors for us to have clothing lines… and do things that we’ve always dreamed of. So it comes with the territory and we know that. But as I get older and go through certain things, it’s made me want to be more of a private person.”

That would be all well and good… if she didn’t continue with this gem: “I don’t think I would stop doing the reality show — I love doing it — but I wouldn’t have another relationship shown on the show. That might be too personal, especially when you’re just meeting someone. It’s taught me to be more private.”

“Might” be too personal? Kim is delusional if she thinks she can maintain the reality show that put her on the map (well, aside from that sex tape) while not exposing any future relationships. Can it be done? Yes. Can it be done by Kim? Heck, no. Without the on-screen drama of a boyfriend/fiancé/husband, a storyline about their latest lingerie or Shoppers Drug Mart perfume simply isn’t enough to satisfy the masses. Or E!, for that matter.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Kim says she isn’t “even close to dating again,” and just wants to “work on me for a bit.” I think if we were to hear Humphries’ side, he would say nothing’s changed since throughout their entire relationship, it was about her and only her. How much more work can possibly be done?

Spoon, cocaine residue suggest Whitney Houston OD’d: autopsy report

Whitney Houston used cocaine immediately prior to her death, and remnants of the drug were found at the scene, according to the final autopsy report issued by the L.A. County Coroner. There’s also evidence listed that suggests the singer could have died as the result of a drug overdose, yet drowning remains the official cause of death.

It’s the coroner’s references to “a spoon with a white crystal-like substance on it” — later determined to be cocaine residue — that quashes rumours that Houston’s Beverly Hills hotel room was somehow swept of drug evidence before the arrival of paramedics and police.

Released yesterday, the report on Whitney’s Feb. 11 death noted the presence of the coke spoon, a rolled up piece of paper and, elsewhere in her room at the Beverly Hilton, “remnants of a white powdery substance and a portable mirror on a base.”

The coroner chief  had stated previously that Houston had cocaine in her system when she died, along with marijuana, allergy medicine and Xanax. This final report goes further, suggesting that she possibly “overdosed on a narcotic substance, prescription medications, over the counter medications and alcohol.”

A more detailed look at the report indicates that Whitney’s assistant returned from a shopping trip to find the singer face down in the bathtub, which the coroner says was filled with 93.5 degree (“extremely hot”) water. Her assistant and bodyguard attempted CPR and asked the hotel reception to call 911; Houston’s body had been moved from the bath to the living room floor when paramedics arrived. The report details a “bloody purge coming from her nose.”

The earlier stories about the lack of drug residue or evidence in the room, despite the signs of recent cocaine use in Whitney’s system, sparked speculations about a cover-up — no thanks to certain self-promoting hangers-on in the singer’s midst. In fact, detectives had secured the contents of the room in the immediate investigation.

Less clear is how and why Houston’s death officially stays on the books as a drowning — though, when an addict with heart disease ends up alone and in a tub of water during an overdose, what’s the point in splitting hairs between bad health, bad drugs and bad luck.